yesterday was no different. my mat was next to a guy who kept doing headstands during his warm up and the guy behind me was putting his leg behind his head, you know, just to get ready for class I guess, and I was pretty sure that yoga wasn't for me anymore. but then vivian (she's so good this way) said this during savasana: "this is the reason we come to the hot room. to prepare ourselves to serve effectively and give profoundly, using all the best parts of ourselves." and of course she is right and nobody cares if I can ever do a handstand or not and I was humbled and honored all at the same time.
I just got back from a week on shelter island. going to camp is always so confusing for my heart, and this week was no different. I love camp, and I love (some things about) shelter island, and I was sad to have missed out on a summer there this year. but summer at home was amazingly good and full and meaningful, so there was part of me very glad to be catching camp only at the tail end of summer when the buzz had died down and I had lots of time to myself. after a summer full of company where I worked hard to show off all the best parts of my life here, it was almost jarring to go to shelter island, land of crazy excess where it is easy to pretend we could all live this way, but then again water tastes terrible enough to keep reality close at hand. I worked with a group of sailing kids, great kids who have families that work hard to give them lots of opportunities and support, families that have lives in the city and lives in the hamptons, lives that I don't really know a whole lot about. the other camp in session last week was a group of young adults with special needs, mostly downs syndrome, who were so exuberant and happy to be at camp in such a different way than the determined focus of my young sailors. a woman I met in the dining hall (this was her ninth summer at quinipet, she told me) said, "you seem so nice to me. I'm gonna make you a bracelet as nice as you are." she found me at supper that night and proudly presented me with my very own beaded bracelet on stretchy string with my name ("WZEDY") on it. I wore it all week, reminding myself of why I was there, what camp really had to offer me. the juxtaposition of these sailing kids and the other camp, my life at home and the life here on shelter island was overwhelming more often than not. I had trouble finding my place one way or the other.
it was good to be away, good to have time where I was only responsible for myself, good to have time to decide what the heck I am doing with my life. I feel like I am always trying to figure that out. I had lunch with a friend today and she listened to me grouse about the same things she has been listening to me grouse about for years, and she finally said," stop trying to figure it out. just stop. it is too big of a task to figure out the one perfect thing you want to do with your life. just do things, lots of things. and stop being so hard on yourself about it all." she's right, of course, not that that makes it any easier.
when I got home from my trip, kids were already in bed for the night. the next morning a little face appeared next to mine before I was even all the way awake. "mama, where did you get that beautiful bracelet?" was cora's greeting to me. "can I wear it?" of course she can. what better way to remind myself that the reason I am here is just to give profoundly?
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