48 months

cora bean,

I love to think about the day you were born. I love remembering how excited papa was, how eager we were to meet you, how perfectly perfect it was to do all of our time before you came at home together. I love how jamin knew just who you were when he saw you for the first time. "hi, bean," he greeted you, as if you had just been hiding in another room all this time rather than growing in utero. I love how you didn't have a name for two days while we got to know you better. I have trouble remembering your tininess or your quietness, but if I squint my mind's eye I can see that, too.

as much as I glory in the first time we met, I can't imagine a day being better than today, either. today you turned four. today your pinky got to join the three other fingers of your hand to stand upright and proud when anyone asks how old you are. today was your day, and you totally owned it. you had mac and cheese for breakfast and thai food for lunch and we never really did eat supper because there were popovers and berries and fruit salad as a late afternoon snack. and who can be bothered with supper when there is new furniture to set up in your dollhouse and new playmobils to introduce to each other? all that after you and papa and jamin planted your "birthday potatoes" which you will gladly remind us about come harvesting time next fall. you and jamin were both asleep by 7:45 tonight. birthday bonus for your parents!






cora, your brother loves you. you are totally crazy about him: that is clear to anyone who sees the two of you together. you hold his hand to walk up for the children's sermon in church and then lean your body into his as you sit listening together. you echo his choices in just about every category, even when he chooses things he knows you don't like. you guys fuss and squabble like kids do, but I want to be sure you know that kid loves you very much. jamin saved and saved to buy you a birthday gift. granted it was something he happened to want very much for himself, but I do think his intentions were good ones. after a little surprise monetary gift from aunt gini and uncle gary, he had exactly enough and he was the proudest kid that toy store has ever seen. he picked ribbons for the bow that he thought you would love. he hid the gift in your closet and made a treasure map to lead you to it, first thing on your birthday morning. he even drew you in various locations on the map because he was not sure where you would be when he gave it to you. and of course you loved his gift, a playmobil covered wagon so that you can play laura ingalls together. you told everyone all day it was the best gift you got. I think the two of you together are probably the best gift, but I am totally biased.

so much happened to you this year. we went on a grand summertime adventure. you went to camp and learned songs that you still sing, complete with hand motions. we worked at farms and you wowed folks with your capabilities and kindness. you started school at mountain sun, where you are completely content to play on your own every day. you starred in the christmas pageant as this year's only female shepherd (jamin was a shepherd, so you had to be one, too). you had your tonsils out and healed right up like a champ. between it all, here there everywhere, it has been a complete joy getting to know you. you are so very kind, thinking of others in ways that would never occur to me. you love animals and say prayers for them (rhodie, our chickens, the horses in our neighborhood, cows we pass on the road) regularly. you love turtles very most, and everyone who knows you knows this about you because you tell everyone you meet. or you are carrying one with you, always a great conversation starter. people stop us all the time to tell us how beautiful you are, how precious, how sweet. you sing along with the music in the car with so much gusto I can be brought to tears just watching you in the rearview mirror. you love to dress up, you love to pretend to read to your animals, you love to color and cut things out. you are the youngest kid in your sunday school class, but also one of the most attentive. I love when the teacher tells me about the questions you ask, the stories you share.  you have an insight that surprises me daily. you are silly and serious all in the same beat, and you fully expect us to keep up with you. you and jamin are so very different, but you have learned to balance each other so beautifully. just yesterday jamin was nervous about going to a playgroup meeting without  me being there and you just reassured him the whole walk inside that you would play with him the whole time, even if other kids came and asked you to play. your loyalties are fierce, little lady. it's a beautiful thing.

I can overthink this parenting thing. I can talk circles about the school system and discipline techniques and diet and sleep and on and on. I can worry about nail polish fumes and how my wanderlust is shaping your own and how many times a week can we eat popcorn for supper before it is a bad thing? but mostly, when I am truly honest with myself, I am just in silent wonder at how dadgum lucky I am to have a kid like you. and really I can't even take any credit for it all, no matter how much I have researched and planned and worried myself silly. you are totally your own self, your own little personhood, and I am just so so thankful that I get to ride this wave with you. and when you look back on being four I hope you remember all our times in the garden, our dance parties in the kitchen, and most of all, the feeling of being completely, wholly, unabashedly loved by your mama.

yours for superhero days and turtles at bedtime and everything in between,

mama

week in review

things to be glad about:

baby eliza (and carey and kyle, but really it is mostly about baby eliza around here, no offense, tio and tia) came to visit! fun things happened, kids were cute, carey got sick, but then got better. I'd say it was a successful visit.

 how does my husband love me? let's just count the books. 

one night last week eric was home alone and decided he wanted to do something nice for me, just because. so he ordered some books, one for every year we have been married, he says, plus a few extras as insurance. I keep a running list taped inside a kitchen cabinet of books I would like to own someday and he bought them all. guess I should start dreaming again. and the really loving part is that he knows I will not be hanging out with him in the evenings for a while as I have so much reading to do. true love, folks.

"hey, cora, show me your face when you think about stevie and maeve coming to visit!" don't disappoint, my irish friends. (stevie and maeve are two kids we worked with at camp last summer. they are planning a visit to the south to see how the rest of america lives. we promise to show them a good time. we are taking cultural experiential suggestions now.)
















things I've read:

soil and sacrament: this one is by my friend fred and it is a good one. he's a good storyteller, he talks about things that matter (food and faith and fellowship), and it has passages like this: "from the perspective of the garden, I began to see the trajectory my life had followed. its arc traced a pattern only a hand larger than mine could have writ." two (green) thumbs up. you can watch fred's ted talk here, if you are into that stuff.

the silver star: it's good. I loved her memoir and "half-broke horses" was enjoyable enough. I passed it on to rabbit which means I liked it. we trade that way around here.

some good parenting reminders.

our favorite jam:

lots of van morrison in the mornings these days. I feel like it makes spring come faster, but it does not seem to be working. we must need to listen to even more van morrison.

moments worth remembering:

tio kyle helped jamin and cora realize a lifelong dream this week. jamin has been drooling over this pirate ship for more than a year. and now (an hour of assembly time later) it is his (and cora's) very own. watching him bring it to life is a beautiful thing.

 five kids on a horse gate in the rain? the only thing that makes this photo better is knowing they were all singing "hakuna matata" while they swung back and forth.

here at mudflower we gave up ingratitude for lent, so every day we write down three things we are thankful for on our kitchen cabinets (i painted them with dry erase paint awhile back. highly entertaining for the children.) cora (featured here on the left) is thankful for beana (her favorite turtle stuffed animal), rainbow (a beanie baby she purchased that day at a thrift store), and MAMA, apparently several times over. jamin (on the right) wanted to be clear that his drawing contained not only his thanks for the day, but also a little silliness. he is thankful for picking up sticks in the neighborhood with papa, rabbit making grits for breakfast (note the steaming bowl), and our new baby chicks.

words for the week:

"...the soil is full of marvels,

bits of leaf like flakes off a fresco,

red-brown pine needles, a beetle quick

to burrow back under the loam.

Then the wheelbarrow is a wilder blue,

the clouds a brighter white,

and all I hear is the rasp of the steel edge

against a round stone,

the small plants singing

with lifted faces, and the click

of the sundial

as one hour sweeps into the next."

from "Picnic, Lightning" by billy collins

a yoga love letter

I have this really great friend and she just happens to live in my house. rabbit moved into mudflower when we took off on our grand adventure to the northeast last summer and loved life on the mountain so very much she decided to stay. what a gift it has been to our family and our community to have rabbit as part of our household. she's an amazing cook, a creative genius when it comes to crafting and sewing, a total boss at board games and jigsaw puzzles, and the best popcorn chef I have ever met. late night talks with rabbit made my dark autumn pass a little easier. and living with someone who can talk about bikram is about the best thing of all. any given night you can find rabbit and I comparing poses in the kitchen or trying to explain to eric what camel really feels like. I highly recommend you all consider having a rabbit in your basement. you just can't have ours :)

In the months before starting yoga, my adopted son turned 18, moved in with his birth mother, dropped out of high school, and stopped talking to me. My wife and I separated, which meant I moved out of the home we had created together, leaving behind two dogs and our cat.

I was a mess.

My physician had prescribed an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication to calm me down enough so I could sleep at night. Without sleep, I am prone to seizures. Every night I was wheezing and coughing until I gagged. Inhalers and cough syrups did nothing to alleviate these symptoms of something deeper. My life as I was living it, was suffocating and strangling me. All the unspoken hurts and anger I felt were trapped in my throat, which was constricting itself tighter and tighter. My jaw was in constant pain from all the stress I carried in it. My marriage had fallen into a tangle of lies and disrespect. The loss and pain I felt was blinding me to all the joy and beauty of the world.

            Bikram yoga let me slow down and taught me how to breathe. Breathing which should be so easy, so instinctual, had become a daily struggle for me. In class I would breathe deeply, filling my lungs, calming myself. Keeping my breath slow and easy in a 105 degree room, while physically challenging my body, was a lesson for my life. And through this, I found myself.

I found peace.

            During my first few classes, I visualized my heart covered in thick dark tar, representing all the sadness, hurt, betrayal and loss that was strangling it. Day after day, class after class, I poured love into my own heart. Yoga fed my soul and my heart. Classmates who bravely opened their own hearts surrounded me. As my own heart grew stronger, I now saw it pulsing with a bright blue light of love that eviscerated all of the shadows of pain and loss.

            The deepest heart opener pose we do is camel. Every time I do it now, I feel my chest stretching open, letting my bright blue love light flow out. I repay the love and strength I received from my classmates by sending them love, when I feel strong.

            I no longer take an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medicine, daily inhaler, or an emergency inhaler. I sleep soundly every night. I have watched my body grow stronger and more flexible. I am present in my body and in my life. I have released the pain, stress and anxiety that were making me ill. I feel strong and capable. My life is not perfect, just as my yoga practice is not perfect, but the beautiful thing is: it doesn’t have to be. In and out of the hot room I grant myself grace. I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, while growing just a tiny bit each day, just the width of a hair.

Thank you so much to Vivian, Janet, Camille, and every yoga teacher I have had. And thank you especially to Vivian and Jill for taking a chance on opening a Bikram Yoga studio in the little town of Brevard, North Carolina. Your timing was just perfect.

week in review

things to be glad about:

potatoes we planted last year on cora's bday (march 21).
 eric harvested them this week and they are delish.

it's almost here! spring, that is. and please note the
rain barrel in the background.  equally as exciting.

chaco love! hooray for warm(ish)weather.

things I've read:

and the mountains echoed: I loved it. complicated, but totally involving and interesting. 

guests on earth: don't bother. I wanted so much to love this book (it is set in the neighborhood where cora was born), but it just didn't happen. poor zelda for sure, but jeez I was disappointed.

extroverts have feelings, too! and apparently some even have the occasional deep thought, believe it or not :)

our favorite jam:

cora sings this song so emphatically I can't decide whether to laugh or cry.

moments worth remembering:

hobo dinners, just because. they are convinced
the sunglasses keep smoke out of their eyes.

I wish you could see this outfit in all of its complete glory.
this gal will be FOUR in just two weeks!

these boys. be still my heart.

surveying the mudflower kingdom

words for the week:

Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams,
Now I wash the gum from your eyes,
You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and of every
    moment of your life.

Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore,
Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,
To jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout,
    and laughingly dash with your hair.

~walt whitman

a compelling list

guess what!

I took this writing class earlier this year, and totally loved it. I learned a lot, wrote a lot, and set a whole new set of goals for myself. one of those goals was to write stuff people read more often. my writing teacher, susan gabriel, has been incredibly supportive and kind and has agreed to give me space to guest post on her blog occasionally. so here it is, my first official guest post!

feel free to hop on over to susan's blog to check out what I have to say about what motivates me to write. extra bonus points if you leave a comment in the comment section that makes me look popular and well-loved!

and if you are just here for photos of cute kids, here's your fix. you're welcome.

now get to reading! right here!

one of one billion

I am a vegetarian because a boy whose last name I do not know told me I didn't have a choice about what happened to my body. I suppose I wanted to feel like I did have a choice about what happened to my body, so eliminating an entire food group from my diet felt like a good way to start. I didn't tell anybody what happened to me because I was not the kind of girl things like that happen to: I wasn't pretty, I wasn't flirty, I wasn't drunk or damaged or doomed. so instead I cried a lot and avoided people who loved me and clung desperately to a dating relationship that had clearly run its course. it was not a good time in my life.  it is a miracle that I graduated from college.

things got worse, then they got better. I found an amazing therapist and did some hard work in my life. I met eric and got married. our courtship is crazy-looking from the outside, I know, but it was healthy and safe and whole and exactly what I needed. the hard stuff faded as the good stuff kept growing. the vegetarianism stuck. the reasons shifted some (health, environmental responsibility, frugality) but the core of legalism is surely still there. I like rules, especially when I am feeling out of control.

I have always been determined to disassociate myself from words like "rape, victim, survivor." my story is not a soundbite, nor is it a definition of who I am. and I am not a statistic, either. but when I look at the numbers, it is impossible not to categorize myself. one in three women will experience sexual assault in her lifetime. it is a guarantee that you know someone who has experienced this kind of abuse. and here I am on the other side of those someones.

but even if I am a "one of three," I am more importantly a "one of one billion." one billion rising is the campaign that says enough is enough. we can rise in solidarity for all those other "one in threes." we can stand together to say violence against women, against ANYONE, is not okay. that safety is worth fighting for. last month I stood on stage with 16 other women to say just that. I wore a red feather boa to say that there is no "kind of girl" that assault happens to. I stepped up to the microphone as Woman #3 to say that I am brave because we have to be brave together. because we can be so much braver together. and people laughed because it is funny to talk about vaginas and people cried because it is sad to think about people hurting so very much, but both are good responses. sometimes it takes one response to get to the other.

I am honored to be in these photos. I am thankful to be surrounded by so much grace and beauty and strength. I pray that no one else ever has to become a "one in three." but I want us all to be "one of one billion."