I see you and I hear you

eric and I made it through five seasons of parenthood on netflix and are waiting for the sixth. I didn't like the show at first but a friend said to stick with it and we did and then there we were totally hooked and looking at each other saying "one more, right?" late at night when we really should have been sleeping.

in one episode one of the couples goes to therapy together and the homework the therapist gives them is for the husband to say to his wife "I see you and I hear you" instead of jumping in with his own agenda. he rarely remembers to do this on his own, but she gives him THE LOOK and then he repeats his phrase as instructed, sometimes sheepishly, sometimes through clenched teeth. until he gets it, of course, because that is what happens in television and then he loves her for who she is and we all live happily ever after, amen.

eric and I now say it to each other. it started as a joke, but then it became a check-in point in my brain, this place to acknowledge how I am treating him and how I want to be treated by him. then of course, being the over-thinker that I am, I started thinking it about my kids, especially cora who is working so hard through some big emotions lately. those times when she is screaming about her shoes not matching her outfit (a dilemma I cannot relate to or take seriously), all I can tell her is "I see you and I hear you." and not in a flippant way, either. truly, I see her: I see that this is hard. and I hear her. I can't help but hear her because she is shrieking at me about footwear, but also I hear what she isn't able to say: "this is hard for me, all these big feelings. it isn't really about my shoes. I don't know how to tell you any other way." so the best I know to do is to grant her the gift of seeing her and hearing her. sometimes that is enough.

and isn't that all any of us want? isn't so much of what we do a request to be seen and heard? it is changing the way I see my relationships. it is changing the role I have in my family. it changes the way I see my job this summer. and it chances the way I want to share myself with the world.

I'm writing curriculum with a new friend for camp this summer. we've settled on a theme I really love, and I am enjoying the research and planning and writing it takes to put something like this together. we talk a lot about the idea of having a calling, of answering that call, of living out what we've been called to do. and what we know is true of all callings is that they are best achieved though great love. "I see you and I hear you" is the best expression of great love that I can think of. to pause to really see someone, to take time to really hear is the greatest gift I know to give. and I want to be good at it.

so I practice on eric. and my kids. and you. practicing is the only way I know to make it real. and even in practice it seems pretty effective. there is a lot to be seen and heard right here in front of me. there is a lot of seeing and hearing to be done all over the place, really. but the thing about seeing people and hearing people is not so much what we can then do for them, but the change it brings within our own eyes and heads and hearts. big change starts in small ways. let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

it is easy to be overwhelmed by big world things. it is easy to get charged up and swept away with the noise. but that is not the calling here. here the calling is to see and hear. to hear the big din rising from the masses, but even more to hear the single voice whispering in your heart. to see the sadness that comes with natural disasters and human-made catastrophes, but to see the simple ways we can love those right in front of us.

so I see you. I hear you. and we are both better for it.