because I don't know what else to do

a blessing for my friend

I don't remember meeting you.
it must have been in those early days of watauga
where everyone seemed too cool
or at least wanted to be
and I felt preppy and normal in a way I had never felt in high school.
I don't remember not knowing you that first college year.
I remember the purple rug in my dorm room
where we would eat lunches comprised completely of orange foods:
mac and cheese, cheesy rice, and tang by the gallon.

I remember road trips, trips too long to take by car really,
packed into college minivans
viginia
mississippi
charlotte
la
(we flew that last time, but you were convinced
we should have driven there too)

there were whole semesters I would barely see you
surprised by you in the lunch line
once in a while.

but then we were neighbors that last year, remember?
you borrowed my clothes
(how is it possible our very different bodies
could ever fit into the same pair of jeans?)
I braided your hair
we crawled in and out of windows.
there were beach parties indoors in february.
there were drives on the parkway.
there was outkast and dixie chicks and black crows and india arie.

we left school and our lives kept crossing here and there
but all of this is just to say
you are my friend.
I hold you in my heart.
you know my best and
you definitely know my worst.

I don't know how to love you best right now.
I don't know how to carry this hard time with you.
I don't know how to tell you I am sad, too.
I don't know where to put my sorrow.
I don't know how to ease yours.

but indulge me
(you always do)
to offer what I can.

to you,
my friend,
the one who knows my old self
and the self that self is becoming,
the one who has seen me in stripy socks and apron shirts,
the one who has never been scared away
not by my tears
not by my bluntness
not by my absence
not by my darkness,
to you, my friend,
I give this blessing.

may you always know just how loved you are.
may you always feel the warmth others feel from your smile.
may you burn long as your soul shines and shines.
may the world be big enough to hold all your sadness
with room left over for hope.
may you bask in the glow you have shed on others' lives.
may your vision be broad enough to know we can never see the whole thing at once.
may you feel empowered to ask for help when you need it,
the same way you have offered help so many countless times.
may your good always always outweigh your bad.
may you always be your mother's daughter.
may you always be your father's princess.
may you always feel safe
to feel the way you feel.
may you always be your little one's mama.
may you always know that role is yours to keep, no matter what.
may you always stay open to whatever is next.
may you be surrounded by your people forever and ever.
may you always know just how loved you are.