“do, or do not. there is no try.”

saturday afternoon I was sweeping the deck off in preparation for a potluck at our house, and I found yoda's head. this is a very big deal.

jamin does not know much about star wars at all, but first grade boys (especially those of a certain nerdy disposition, which includes all first grade boys we happen to know) are supposed to love star wars. until about a week ago jamin insisted I was wrong in correcting him when he talked about "dark vader." he has checked out every book our library has about star wars (he hasn't even bothered to as about watching the actual movies. in fact I am not sure he even knows that movies are the starting point on this one.) rabbit gave him a bunch of little lego guys earlier in this summer, before school started and before he knew that star wars knowledge was a necessary part of his new social life.) they were sort of background accessories until someone happened to mention (I don't know who to blame for that one) that he had several star wars guys in the group. these newfound talismans were rotated into regular play, but even they had taken a back seat in the past few weeks as some new recess game emerged at school that involved neither light sabers or death stars.


until it was time for jamin's share day. then the lego yoda was mandatory. except no one could find him.

that morning at breakfast when jamin realized it might be his share day and that he real REALLY need to take yoda, he and cora tried to remember yoga's last appearance. they had already found yoga's little lego body. it was only his super teeny lego head that was missing now. "cora had him on the deck," they decided and bundled up as a team to check outside. they looked on the deck, on the railings, then ran down into the yard to check the grass underneath. no yoda. lots of tears.

not having what he need for share (this cool thing! this thing that other kids would know and recognize and like!) quickly morphed into not wanting to go to school at all, a puddle of a boy on the kitchen floor while cora and I looked at each other sort of helplessly. after much reassuring and lots of attempts at problem-solving, we managed to get into the car with the promise of a fact-finding mission at o.p. taylor's after school. and it didn't feel like bribing, this promise of a toy store run. this might be the first time it felt like jamin and I really were working together to figure something out, a big something, something I was trying to value as much as he did while still keeping it in perspective. and it worked.

we went to o.p. taylor's, both of us shocked by price tags and the realm of lego possibilities. (you cannot buy just a lego yoda guy, in case you were wondering. he only comes as part of sets that start at $20. and I don't think I mentioned our particular yoda was wearing a santa outfit? I cannot explain this at all.) he didn't have the money, I wasn't willing to splurge, but even that turned out okay. he got it. we talked about saving up, but that wouldn't happen in time for his share (which had now been postponed an extra day). it was disappointing and hard, but he settled on building something lego-based of his own and saving up for yoda for his next share day. and that was that.

yoga's head became huge in my head. this was make-or-break parenting right here, and we got it right. somehow jamin and I figured this one out together, and it just…worked. major victory for us both in lots of ways. now that jamin is in school I remember it all so much clearer, how hard it is to be a kid. I remember being panicky at night before bed simply because I had to get up and do it all over again tomorrow. I remember the tears when new projects were assigned, a combination of excitement at the newness and overwhelmedness at the daunting task ahead. I remember never feeling like I was doing things right, be it academically or socially, always being slightly confused about what the "right" thing really was. I have to keep reminding myself that jamin is not me, even if he is very much like me sometimes, and that he is living his own reality, no matter how much of myself I can see in his face. it is hard to watch him do it, to remember it and want to fix it and still just have to watch it unfold on its own. but something about it all is working. and I like it.


so saturday I was sweeping and there it was, right there where jamin and cora said it should be. I might have already had a beer and a half by then, and I might have fist pumped and announced to the neighborhood in a rather loud voice that I was the best mom ever. even though it was pure chance that I was the one that found sweet little yoga's head, the victory felt well-earned. and jamin, hearing my proclamation, came running and quickly agreed with my assessment. and that was the biggest victory of all.

maybe there is something to that yoda wisdom after all. I guess when we all sit down to watch the movies together in five more years, I'll know for sure.

back to school

[these are tricky things to write about. education, and school specifically, is a hot topic these days, one with lots of personal and political weight. of course I am no expert in the field of educational theory and quite honestly, I change my mind about what I think about school on a regular basis. but I think it is important to be able to talk about that confusion and mixed bag of feelings openly because it is a decision (even if it is an on-going decision) all families make. after listening to this back to school special this week, I am even more convinced that we are doing the right thing as an education goes with our kids, no matter what our schooling choices look like. whew!]

parenting is a constant struggle, I've decided, and of course plenty has been said on the topic. there are all sort of decisions to make about having children, raising children, feeding children, and surviving children, but none has rocked my world as much as decisions about school. breastfeeding was a no-brainer for me: it was free, it was convenient, and (after the initial discomfort and learning curve) I really really liked it. the sleep thing was a hard one for us, but we just kept doing what made sense at the time and now we have a system that really works for our family. but school and the decisions that come with it are not quite so easy for me.

I liked school for the most part as a kid. I was a good student, I had some anxieties that showed up fairly regularly, but overall I did okay both academically and socially. I always felt sort of sorry for the kids in my church who were homeschooled because I loved band and my teachers and they didn't get to experience those things. when I started college I set out to major in education. it was an easy enough pick: I liked working with kids, I liked ideas and talking about them, and I got a scholarship to teach so that settled it. I took exactly two classes in the education department before I realized that it just wasn't for me. too regulated and not relational enough. there are many many great teachers that can find the balance in that and shine themselves through a haze of regulations, but it just wasn't the right fit for me. so I settled on a degree in english and the jumped into work in the social services field and never really looked back.

but those two classes that I hated in college piqued my interest in educational theory. working in a residential high school (go s&m!) after college contributed to that interest as well. and by the time I got to working in the group home where all of our kids required some sort of IEP or alternative classroom, I was determined to learn more about why we do what we do in the classroom setting. I spent a lot of time sitting in school meetings in those years, getting to know teachers, administrators, counselors, and therapists from an adult perspective rather than from the student side of the desk. and I got to see the school system from what one administrator called "the bottom of the barrel looking up": I worked with the kids who challenged the structure of "typical" classrooms because they were academically behind, truant to the point of failing, behaviorally challenging, and socially unprepared. these were kids who got kicked out of school (or off the bus or out of clubs or off of sports teams) with alarming regularity. and even when they really were trying there were still so many deficits in their educational background that they rarely seemed to make any real progress. even of those that "passed" all their classes, some could barely read and very few could write a cohesive paragraph. of course like any situation their were always exceptions and there were always hidden variables that made blaming any one factor (the schools, the parents, the kids' brains, whatever) pointless. but school was what took up most of their time and the one factor we (as group home staff) were pressured most to show as an area of success. and it wasn't always a system that was easy to succeed in.

one of the first books I read that made me think differently about schooling was The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education by grace llewelyn. it blew my mind. from their I jumped into john holt and just kept going. it changed the way I thought about the school experience for our group home kids. I didn't get to decide whether those kids had to go to school or not, but I could help them make the most of their experience by meeting the social norms required and guiding further learning when they got super excited about a topic outside of school. by the time eric and I had our own kids I was pretty sure homeschooling was the right choice for us.

first day 2013, getting ready for a road trip

so we did it. we started jamin's "kindergarten" year while we were still in new york, so it made total sense to homeschool since we weren't even in a geographical place to register him at that point. and in north carolina we don't have to make any official school decisions (registering for school or declaring ourselves as a homeschool) until our kids are seven. so we traveled, we read books, we did projects, we grew food, we played chess, we spent time in the woods and on the beach and that was that. he loved it. I struggled. I need far more social stimulation that jamin does, so while he was totally happy actually being at home for school, I wanted to do "school" on the fly, on the run, in the world with lots of other people around. we worked hard to set up an awesome homeschooling co-op (hooray, mountain roots ramblers!) that I was proud of and excited about. but it was hard to get families to commit, to agree on a programming plan, to be plugged in and excited for the long term. it was one of the first times I had to admit to myself that maybe what I believe philosophically about educating my kids might not be the best choice for our family. that was hard to swallow and even harder to say out loud. I still feel very confused about it.

first day 2014

so jamin started first grade at mountain sun community school last week. it really wasn't even that hard of a decision to make: we love the school's vision and mission, the class sizes are small, they use positive discipline, there's an emphasis on wholistic living and plenty of outside time. they use child-led learning practices, the teachers are invested beyond my wildest dreams, and the school is actually housed at a summer camp. the best of everything, all in one. it is the closest we can get to homeschooling while still taking advantage of what our community has to offer.

and he loves it. yesterday when I asked him the best thing about his day he said, "school.

after school grin

because I get to do so much math there." isn't that the passion we want all of our kids to feel about how they spend their days? he likes his classmates, he likes his teacher, he likes going every day. he has had no complaints yet.

even with all this wonderful (and there is a lot of wonderful about mountain sun, for sure) there is part of me that takes comfort in knowing that we are a family that can keep trying different things. I think we will homeschool again. there may even be public school in our future at some point. there is a lot of weight involved in private school for sure: the financial cost, the stigma of how we are choosing to educate, the smallness and shelteredness. and there are the weights of school in general: being tied to a schedule, a calendar year, less time to do things together, less time and resources to try other activities. I am confident to say I am glad we are giving this a try and that this is the right time to try it. and I am confident to say that I feel confident to change our minds. over and over if we need to.

I am already learning so much by having jamin in school this year. I am learning him better, watching him learn himself. I am learning what to do with my new wide open stretches of time. I am learning what it feels like to make choices for us and individuals and as a whole. and I am learning to find the balance in all of those things. if only there was a way to get class credit for all these post-graduate victories I'm having, I'd be well on my way to earning my degree in great parenting with a minor in mixed feelings.